Breakthrough Discovery: E-Commerce Customers Are Human Beings

Breakthrough Discovery: E-Commerce Customers Are Human Beings

Shocking Discovery Revealed: E-Commerce Customers are Actually Human Beings!

In a stunning turn of events, a recent study has revealed that e-commerce customers are not robots or AI, but real human beings. The study, conducted by a team of researchers at and a leading university, has sent shockwaves through the e-commerce industry.

For years, e-commerce companies have been unsure where most orders have come from. Many assumed their “customers” might be robots that happened to buy things. The key was optimizing their websites for speed, transactions and ROAS. However, this new research shows that e-commerce KPIs are more than just the numbers, it turns out that they’re actual human beings. Customers have emotions, preferences, and unique needs that cannot be met by a one-size-fits-all approach.

“After years of analysis of millions of transactions, we were shocked to find that e-commerce customers are actually just human beings. Just normal folks.” shares lead researcher, “It’s like when person buys things, they  just want to be treated with respect, have their questions answered, and feel valued. It turns out that when they pay money, they don’t want to be annoyed or ignored.”

However, not everyone is surprised by this revelation. Orville Stockwell, an old-time shopkeeper on Main St. and conspiracy crank shares, “I’ve known all along that customers are human beings, and have tried to tell folks. Our store’s been in business for over 150 years, and I’ve always believed that the customer comes first. I make sure to get to know my customers and their needs so that I can provide them with the best possible service. This isn’t the moon landing, not that that ever happened.”

The implications of this study are significant, sure to cause issues with antisocial tech types throughout the industry. E-commerce brands will need to adapt their teams, strategies and capabilities to better cater to the needs of their human customers. This includes providing more personalized experiences, offering exceptional customer service with human contact, and building trust through transparency and authenticity.

“Being ‘optimized’ isn’t something most people want to have done to them.” shared Andy Greenawalt to a meeting of e-commerce data scientists. He went on, “Most people don’t like the idea of being lab rats. Not starting with the reality that customers are people can lead to some really inhumane treatments. The evidence is glaring with 8 out of 10 customers so unimpressed that they will never make a second purchase with most brands.”

As we celebrate April Fools’ Day, it’s important to remember that this is not a joke. The reality is that e-commerce customers are real human beings, and it’s time for companies to start treating them as such.

For more information on this groundbreaking study and to learn how Storyhub is helping brands to know their best customer, better.